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| wOw long time no wRite but o well xanga gets kinda lame & im addicted to myspace..pLus i really havnt felt like writing lately..idk alot of shit goin on & tonite it jus all came together. i dont think ive cried mOre in my whoLe life then this nite. eveRy1 bascially hates me. jenn hates me and kate hates me. and all this shit sTarted w/ micah..idk its so gay i wish we cOuld all sumwut get along since weRe fuckin goin to homecomin together but i guess that is too much to ask. & kate makes me feel like shit she dosnt even caRe when i am cryin..i have been goIn thru a hard time lately & all i have been doin the past couple of nites is cryin myself to sleep and it really sucks. i want to go back tO last yeaR oR betteR yet jus fast forward to neXt year when i can get away from all this fuckin BULLSHIT!!! everythin is bullshit and all my friends suck..i thought that kate wouLd nevr screw me ovr and b a bitch like every1 else bc shes such a nice peRson but i guess i was wrong..u really can nevr trust ne1..u jus nevr know..i shouLd of listened to myself in the 1st place..opening up to ppl leads to huRt in the end..nevR think differently..damn this year sucks..eveRythin is jus so fucked up..i wish i had ppl to rely on. me & chris are on and off..i think sumthin jus to go on till college..im not really suRe..im so confued..i think i can say..this nite fucking sucks & havnt felt shitteR in a longgggg time. ill tRy to pOst mOre i guess..whO knos. | | |
| heyyyy well i realized that i only write in this anymore when im in a bad mood or feel like bitchin so ill write a happy entry. well not really happy but not bad. today was pretty boring. bc we had schhhhhool ugh and then i didnt do SHIT after but ate and chilled and watched tv and then did 25 mins of cardio and then did nothin 4 a lil then went to the gym for my personal trainer and came home ran sum errands and ate din din and now im waitin to take a shower im really tired and i need to go to sleep early..again. i hate goin to sleep early but im still really not used to gettin up so early it suckkkkks. o well its almost fridayyyyy! thank god. tomorrow idk wut im doin. prly working out after school..then mayb gettin dinner w/ shelley..i need to go and pick up my paycheck..if shelley cant go to dinner i think ill go w/ jenn bc she asked me to go 2nite but ughhh idk if ill feel like it. then im goin to take a long shower and go to bed super early so i can stay up late on fri and get up at 7 on sat and go to work. o the funness. so yah i guess school really isnt that bad..sumtimes i get a lil dramatic & im sure that it will get better..i jus hate trig and i kno that i need a tutor already & its jus review. and i overreacted about the whole chris thing. i mean for once we are totally over and i dont have ne feelings i jus want a bf. i need to learn to sepearte the 2. jus bc he dosnt call me beautiful dosnt mean that i should feel like shit about myself. hes one of the most insecure ppl i kno so i shouldnt lower myself to his level. i hope in the next few months we can become kinda friends or atleast i can hang out w/ him b4 i go off to college bc esentially hes a pretty decent guy he jus has issues he needs to work out for himself..i tried to help but he needs to do that himself and its only time and maturity. hmmmm but yah idk i really do wish i could find a guy. i kno eric likes me & i raelly like him as a friend and hes sooo sweet and we had this good deep convo today but idk sumtimes not there that should b there..the tingly butterfly feelings..and u should never settle for nethin less then that i believe. so if i have to wait years to find that again then so be it..atleast it would b worth it..cuz most guys really arnt worth shit. atleast thats wut all of them in my life have proven me. soooooo nothin much else to say really. i kno boring boring but i dont feel like goin into sum long ass entry or w/e..so ill update later x0x | | |
| well let me tell u how fuckin wonderful these last few days have been. they really have been quite amazing. thrusday..back to school. o joy. how excting. it wasnt bad. i hate my trig class thou. & it was jus boring and stupid to see how fake all the ppl are. friday i was so damn tired. then i had to work. i messed up the change drawer. went to hooters w/ kate. fell asleep at my house w/ her there. had a really bad headache. woke up at 7 to go to work. worked from 8-5ish. messed up the cashier thing again. saw a movie which was good & chilled. went home and passed out at like 2. woke up at 11..my only day to sleep in. i could of slept forever but i had to get up bc i had a shit load of errands to do. got a new cell fone. had to fuckin pay for it myself. got school supplies. did my english project..already! ugh. went to dinner at the grandparents. then today i had to get up at 6 to go to wonderful fucking school. jenn and joh ignored me bc i didnt return their calls yday. how fuckin immature. we are almost 18 years old lets me a little mature. they were planning to ignore me for a week. then i talk to chris. big fuckin mistake. he makes me feel this small and like shit every time i talk to him. and i talked to micah and guess wut? him and allie hung out this weekend. according to allie he was like i want a gf do u want a bf and all this shit and on her myspace he left a comment thats like ur so beautiful. wtf i kno im not beautiful but he never once really said it and ment it. i am such a worthless ugly peice of shit and i want a bf more then nething in this fuckin worrrrrld. but too bad when ur lookin 4 sumthin it nevr happens. i hate plant so much. i cant wait to graduate. im doin my apps now for fgcu reallllly early juc bc i want to kno as soon as possible to have sumthin to look forward too. bc plant gives me nothin to look foward to. im tired of guys. and my classes already. senior year dosnt look like nething too great so far. i need to move far far away from these people. im goin to bed nite | | |
| heyyy i am so relaxed rite now. i jus came back from the beach & took a nice hot showeR & now im jus sittin here relaxing. this weekend has been pretty good. saturday woRK from 8-4:30 but it wasnt that bad. i got to kno alot of the hairsylists and they are really cool and laid back. i did pretty good but there is still aLot i need to learn. i go back on thur from 4-6 and then sat from 8-4 again. after woRk i hung out w/ kate & caroLine n went to bed at like 12 bc i was so exausted. & then today i woke up early got ready & me jenn kate and caroLine went to the beach. it was soo much funn. i got really burnt but it will b a nice tan and we Layed out and went swimming in the ocean aLot. we met sum weird guys who were like 22 and wanted to take us to dinner..kinda strange. then nick and david came and we went to the hurricane for dinner & then to the don cesar to use their pool. came home around 7..went to dairy joy i ran into a pole and fucked up their sign leaving lol & i took a shwr and now here i am. i want to go to bed early. tomorw i might do some school clothes shopping, def work out & idk..tuesday i think we r goin back to the beach..not much time left in the summer. it sucks. i need to get clothes and schoOl stuff ughhhh..i jus want to get really tan these last few days of summeR. ill update later thou i need to straighten my hair and then mayb ill watch a movie or sumthin and pass out im so exausted. xo | | |
| almost a week & no update..i have been slackkkking lol. well i dont really remember wut has happened this week..but its been pretty good..chillen w/ micah and jenn and sum ppl & kate n caroLine came back in town so been w/ them alot. i worked (training) monday, thur and today and 2mrw is my 1st full day by myself & ahhh i am so nervous! i work from 8-4 so i open and close the stoRe all by myself. i really heLp all goes welL bc the saLon is really busyyyy & of course saturday is the busiest day! ugh. wish me luck! i am kinda excited to b makin my own money & stuff but a job is kinda hard woRk. im not realLy a woRking girL. i love to b lazy and reLax. onLy like hmm 2 moRe weeks of summeR? very bummed about that. monday im goin to buy a bunch of new cLothes for back to schooL. sunday im goin to the beach w/ kate and caroLine & mb some of caroLines friends to the beach..def need a back to schooL tan..& i need to start the back to school detox diet soon..o yah and i havnt worked out in like 5 days wut a slackeR i am i kno. i got my school sch. & senior pics..senioR year is really here..ive waited so Long foR it & now here it is..im excited in a way to move on & go to colLege. every day the prospect of college seems moRe and moRe exciting. idependence, dRinking, meeting new ppL, gettin away from fuckin gay ass PLANT!!!!, no curfew..& i cant wait to b 18 and get my belly button peirced!! but in a lot of ways i still want to b little kid immature caitLin and saiL thru life eaisly no worries. i remember when i didnt have to worry about guys and school work (only coloRing in the Lines) and pleasing ppL, and jobs & all this other growing up shit. its really hard to deaL w/ & i kno i dont have it bad at all but even sumtimes i jus want to give up and start ovr. im glad im writing in my xanga bc i need a mini vent session. i aLso need to go to sLeep soon bc i have to wake up at 7 which idk if u kno how much sucks!! im pretty much ovr chris i would say..well i will nevr come to terms on how angry i am ovr how he treated me and how i nevr got to say all the things i wanted to say but its ovr..i cant go back..i cant try to force wut i think upon him, i cant try to make him a better person, only he can figure out that for himself bc im jus done w/ that shit. i am really lookin for a nice guy. some1 genuinly nice. that i can argue w/ over stupid movies and board games. whos cute and chilled and loyal and honest. who is a gentLeman and hoLds the door open for me but can get down and eat like 5 tacos w/ me. sum1 who Likes my friends & dosnt try to take up all my time. a great kisser. som1 who isnt in sum mad race to b popular. some1 who dosnt care wut ppl say excpet for his close friends and family. a guy who wears cute polos and has nice teeth. sum1 who knos to take it sLow bc i have a hard time trusting. wow i really dont think thats out there but i will try to look. actually i wont bc good things come when u least expect it..isnt that the thruth. well im prettttty fuckin tiRed & im really nervous about woRk 2mrw so idk if ilL b abLe to sLeep butttt i hope everythin goes fine 2mrw. im gLad im in a better mood about everything & im realLy gLad kates back in town bc when im depRessed feeLing she makes me feeL 100 times betteR and she dosnt even kno it. im gLad i have her aRound. & other ppL too. i really take alot of ppl for granted. esp ct. he helps me thru a lot of shit as i really do trust him. its hard for me to tell ppL i love the most that i love them and apperciate them and caRe about them so they prly dont think i apperate them bein theRe for me. but i really do moRe then they will evR kno. ive nevR been that good @ expRessing my feeLings but im tRyin not to hide behind a mask so much nemoRe. i want to telL ppl jus how much they mean to me bc i dont want ne1 eLse i love to leave me =[
nough of the mushy deep shit foR the day..ilL update lateR..sweet dReams x0 | | |
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